Time Flies When You're Changing Diapers

I know... I know. It's been a LONG while since my last post. I could give you so many excuses for why I haven't been posting: I've been insanely busy trying to keep my 8-month-old fed, clothed, clean-diapered and entertained. Seriously -- who knew such a small person could demand so much of your time, energy and sanity?!?!?! : )

Perhaps I'll just use the standard excuse that has worked for so many schoolchildren for so many generations -- the dog ate my computer.

Really, though, my main excuse is that I got a new computer (laptop) and didn't transfer over the Favorites links, and I was entirely too lazy to remember any important details (userid and password) pertaining to the blog, so I kept putting off any updates. Well, tonight I finally found where I had written down those details. So, voila! Here we are again.

Life has been hectic, for sure. My daughter (aka my little nomad) is very much an on-the-go child. She is not happy unless she is in the car traveling during the day. So this means most everything else has taken a secondary importance, because, as those of you who are parents can attest, whatever works to keep her happy and quiet, you do it. Thankfully, as she gets older, she is starting to get content staying home for longer periods, and seems happy with 2 hours treks versus the old 6 hour treks. This means we can start getting some things done around the house which are LONG overdue. The list is too big to get into detail here, but let's just say that I purposefully have not had company over since Christmas because of my lack of attention to those home details. I have to believe that a messy house signifies that a happy child lives there. I have to believe it or I will, possibly, go insane.

Miss Kaylee is now crawling backwards, but lays on her stomach and rolls herself forward. She is learning the fine art of eating solid foods, and she is learning sign language with the help of Baby Einstein videos. She knows the signs for mommy, daddy, milk, sleep, and cereal. And let's face it -- that's pretty much her life right now. With the help of her bouncy chair, she is working towards propelling herself into the Milky Way. She has two teeth on top and two teeth on the bottom, and will strip the skin off your finger if you are brave/dumb enough to stick a finger in her mouth.

All in all, she's a healthy and happy little girl.

Where does the time go?

I can't believe I haven't posted anything in so long.

Time just seems to be slipping away from me, and the tighter I try to keep hold, the faster it slips away.

We've been a busy little family the last few weeks. Miss Kaylee is now in the throes of teething woes, and we're trying everything under the sun to help alleviate the worst of her pains, but it looks like this is just something she'll have to outgrow. She won't touch teething rings. She hates the taste of Ora-Gel (but it does give some relief). The only thing she likes to knaw on is a stuffed animal Bunny with wide, flat plastic feet and hands (we've Bun-Bun, because right now it's the only thing keeping Big Dave and me sane.

We're also in the process of trying to get the house in order because come Christmas Day, we will be invaded by relatives. My brother, sis-in-law and niece and nephew will be here, as well as my mom and dad, so we'll have a full house for the holidays. Great for family togetherness, not so great for Big Dave and me because quite frankly, house cleaning has not been at the top of our priority list after a difficult pregnancy and the trials and tribulations of early parenthood. I'm trying to take it one room at a time, but with a teething infant, work, and tax season almost near, there's very little time left to devote to cleaning a toilet, let alone a whole room. Why can't I have the powers of Samantha from Bewitched? Just wiggle my nose, and the chores are done. Ya know what? That's my Christmas wish. Forget world peace and goodwill towards mankind. I want supernatural powers that will take care of the housework.

Are you listening, Santa?

Life's Little Speedbumps

Ever notice how you can't enjoy the good things in life without a little of the bad things thrown in for good measure?

Lately, it seems Big Dave and I have been encountering more of the bad than the good.

Big Dave's dad is not doing so well after his strokes and operation. He's still on a feeding tube, still cannot move without a wheelchair, and is in pain much of the time. Fortunately, we were able to get him into a good nursing home. Now we have the fun task of trying to get him onto Medicaid, because Medicare will run out in December. So we have been helping Dave's mom try to get the paperwork in order. This is proving much more difficult than previously thought. We have been trying to navigate through the Medicaid system, and it is filled with roadblocks, landmines, atomic warheads and potholes the size of Texas. When you can get ahold of a live Medicaid person to talk to, whatever they tell you may or may not be the right answer. The next person you talk to will tell you something completely different, and tell you the previous person doesn't know what they are talking about. More often than not, instead of getting answers, you get pushed right back to square one. And if you don't get the application perfect, you run a very high risk of getting denied or getting delayed in funding. In short, it's a bureaucratic nightmare. And it doesn't seem to end.

Even the lawyers don't seem to know the Medicaid rules. We have talked with elder law attorneys, estate planning lawyers, and lawyers specializing in Medicaid, and they are all telling us something different. It's enough to make you scream and beg the pencil pushers for mercy.

Where's the Me That Was?

I used to be a very independent person. Just ask anyone, and they'll tell you that I enjoyed being on my own, to do whatever I wished whenever I wished. I had strong opinions about most everything, and wasn't afraid to share them. Most issues were black and white to me. Things were either wrong or right.

Fast forward 15 years. I have been blessed with many things over the years - a loving husband, a healthy and happy daughter, and a home to call my own. I am thankful for these blessings a thousand times a day. But for a long time it has felt like something significant has been missing from my life, and I think it's this:

I feel less like myself now more than I ever have before.

Let me see if I can explain it.

I am now known as Dave's wife. I am also known as Kaylee's mom. Very rarely, if ever, am I known as just me. Just Kathy.

Don't get me wrong: I love being a wife and mother. But it's not all I am. There is so much more to me than diaper changes, bottle feedings, dishes and laundry. I'm not just about business meetings, bank conferences, and investments.

But the rest of me just seems to get buried underneath the day-to-day chaos that makes up life. I don't get "me" time. I don't get to make decisions by myself. I don't get to enjoy something that's just mine. For now, it's all shared with my family, and maybe that's as it should be.

But there' s a part of me that misses the old me. The Me who could make an instant decision. The Me who could give you an opinion and spout various facts to support that opinion. The Me who could get frustrated and lose her temper. The Me who was Just Me.

I'm wondering if there will ever come a time when I can reintroduce the Old Me to the New Me, and they will peacefully co-exist.

Or is the Old Me really gone forever, and I should just learn to move on?

Maybe You Can Explain To Me...

How a four-month-old can create more laundry than 2 adults.

How a baby can sleep through day-to-day noises such as a ringing phone, vacuum cleaner, and dog barking, but will awaken and cry out once Mom sits down to eat a meal.

Why no one ever tells you that baby dookie can be green, projectiled, and/or smell bad enough to make the dog run into the other room and rub his nose in the carpet for several minutes.

How a baby can fall asleep at 6pm, and sleep until 6am the following morning, and the diaper manages to hold the resulting backlog. No leaks. Impossible, you say? I call it a miracle.

How a baby can have 300 teething rings lying around the house, but still prefers to knaw on your hand or fingers to alleviate teething pains.

How a baby can poop on you, spit up on you, knaw on you, and head butt you (gaining control of those neck muscles is a tricky business), and yet you're still glad to see the little tyrant every morning.

If you know the answers, please let me know. You are waaaay smarter than I am.

I Get It

Many years ago, in a galaxy far, far away, when I was a teenager, my mother and I used to get into many arguments. Mostly they were about the fact that I wasn't allowed to do anything, and that she didn't trust me enough to let me go wherever I wanted with whomever I wanted whenever I wanted. In short, I thought she was extremely unreasonable. When I expressed my displeasure with her, and asked her why she was being so difficult, she would look at me with a weird expression, then say quietly, "You'll see. One day you'll be a parent, and you'll know why."

Well, after many years and 1 daughter later, I will say the words my mother has been longing to hear me say: I get it. I now understand.

I understand the overwhelming and complete love you feel for your child. You will do anything for her. The first time you hold her tiny hand and look into her trusting eyes, your primal instinct to protect and nurture her completely overwhelms you. You are now responsible for this tiny being, and it is a terrifying and humbling thought.

I understand the gut-wrenching, paralyzing fear. The fear that she will stop breathing in the middle of the night. That masked ninja terrorists will break into her nursery and steal her away. That she will be diagnosed with some horrible illness, and I will be powerless to make her better. It's a fear that never, never goes away.

I understand the primal urge to protect her. Everyone and everything is now a threat (real or imagined makes no difference). It's not that you don't want her to enjoy things and experience life. It's just that you have seen what people can sometimes do, and you vow to do whatever is necessary to keep those threats at bay. No threat is too small. You rely much more on your mom radar - and if someone doesn't "feel" right, if you have a "sense" about someone that you don't like, you follow it. When you're a parent, there is no such thing as a "bad" gut-feeling. You don't take chances with your child - ever.

And so, many years from now, when my daughter and I are arguing about her "freedom", about why I'm so insistant on meeting all her friends, and knowing where she's going and when she's coming home, I'm sure I'll be saying "One day, you'll see." And just like I did all those years ago, I'm sure she'll roll her eyes, sigh, and say, "Whatever."

And many years after that fateful day, she'll be writing her own "I Get It" blog. And revenge will be mine.

Guitar Hero Saga

As most of you know, my husband is a HUGE gamer. He's got every console (Playstation, XBox, Wii, etc.), and he's in the process of upgrading parts to his PC to better handle the newer games coming out during the holidays.

On a regular basis I am treated to a play by play narration on his latest gaming experience, the newest games coming out, or the latest and greatest upgrades for his various consoles.

Generally, I don't mind any of this. Games are his passion, and he has the right to enjoy them.

The problem is that he is constantly trying to convert me into being a big gamer, too. Now, I do play games, but most of the ones I play are adventure/hidden object/mysteries, etc. Basically, the low grade games that don't require a lot from my computer, or a lot of time from me.

Once Guitar Hero came out, he started lobbying for us to get it, so we would have something to play together. I took one look, and said no. I had no intention of spending any of my time trying to be a rock star. Let the teenagers have it, I said. I wanted no part of it.

Well, Big Dave kept up his campaign for months. He eventually bought one for his game room, where it has sat mostly untouched. I kept up my resistance, more as a matter of principle than anything else.

About a week ago we were at Walmart, as Big Dave was on the hunt for a PC game. I stayed in the car with Kaylee while he went inside. When he came out of the store, though, the box he carried was WAY larger than any PC game. He strolled up to the van with a big smile on his face. He opened the door and showed me the box, proudly proclaiming, "I bought something for you! I saw it and I automatically thought of you!"

It was the Guitar Hero set for the Wii, complete with guitar and game.

I was speechless. He bought it for me? Has he not been listening to me at ALL during the last few months? Did he think for some reason my continuous NO! really meant Yes?

I waited for him to explain.

"They were on sale - only $20 for the whole box! I thought what better time to get you to try it than now, when it was so cheap! I think once you try it, you'll like it."

Again, I was speechless. I knew perfectly well he didn't get it for me. He got it because (A) it WAS so cheap,and (B) he really likes playing things on the Wii.

But in the interest of marital harmony, I said no more. I agreed to try the game once, and if I didn't like it, for any reason, the matter would finally be put to rest. No more bothering me about trying the stupid game.

Once home, we set it up, and Big Dave handed me the guitar. He started me off on easy mode, and I chose three songs.

By the end of those three songs, I was hooked. Damn that game.

I can't get the songs out of my head, and I find myself trying to practice my guitar finger moves on flat surfaces like the dining room table. Damn that man.

Now my husband has been gloating (albeit quietly) around the house, singing the familiar phrase of "I told you so". Fortunately, he is too nice of a person to gloat too long or too much. But it's gloating nonetheless.

Fortunately, I know when to take my lumps when necessary. I've let him gloat, for now.

But the next time we go head to head on Guitar Hero, I plan on wiping the floor with him.