I get up from the couch and stretch. I accompany this with a loud and prolonged yawn. I I meander towards the bedroom door, and start pacing back and forth (making sure to click toenails on the floor as loud as possible, so they’ll hear the urgency in my step). After 5 minutes, I sigh loudly, and bang against the door, curled up, impatient for Them to awaken.
7:05am.
They emerge. They are groggy and walk unsteady. They seem to be moving on auto-pilot as they reach for shoes and leash. I start dancing around in circles, crashing into furniture, legs, etc. I allow only the briefest of seconds for Them to get the leash in place. When They open the door, I leap out, yanking Them with me. I lead Them to my private facilities and make Them wait while I spend much time on sniffing, eating grass, barking at squirrels, etc. After accomplishing all my other important tasks, I am now ready to commence #1 and #2.
7:15
They lead me back into the house. I follow them into the room where they keep my food, and watch while they measure, scoop, and place the food into my bowl. I want to be sure they don’t skimp. No matter what the vet says, I need more food. I must have more food. I will have more food.
7:20
They feed the cats. I wait until they leave the room, then attempt to steal from the cats. They catch me eating from the cats’ bowls. I am banished to the living room.
7:25
I watch as they make coffee. I feel I deserve coffee. I give them my best pleading look, my best starved expression, my biggest “sad eyes”, but no. They give me nothing. They tell me coffee is bad for me. So then why do THEY drink it?
8am
They sit down at the computers, getting ready for another day. I join them, laying down across their feet or wedged against the chair, making movement nearly impossible. They cannot leave the room without my company.
12:30
Lunch break. I graciously allow them to prepare lunch, then proceed to situate myself directly beneath their plates, should any morsels find themselves falling to the floor. If food is not forthcoming, I give them the "Woe Is Me" look. This generally works well. I volunteer for kitchen floor cleanup.
1:00pm
Back to the computers. I wonder how they can stare at a screen for so long. What can be so imporant when there's so many things outside to see and do? There are squirrels to chase, walks to take, dogs to bark at, and people to sniff. Not to mention oodles of trees and shrubs to lift a leg against. They don't seem to understand this. I sigh and drape myself across the wheels of Their chairs.
2:00pm
Potty break. I once again lead Them outside, where I do everything except what I'm supposed to be doing (which is #1 and #2). I eat grass. I bark at things are not there. I sniff every leaf, every tree, every insect. They finally catch me and lead me back into the house. They hand me a Greenie. I suppose this is some sort of bribe, inducing me to keep quiet and out of their way. It works for about 15 minutes.
5:00
They finally turn off the computers. He goes to retrieve my food. She gets ready for my walk. Do I have Them well trained, or what?
6:00
They sit down to dinner. Once again, I station myself at their feet - waiting. My hynotic eyes begin their work. It's only a matter of moments.
7:00pm
He is nowhere to be found. Probably in his game room again. He has to come out sometime, so I will wait. But there She is -- on the couch, reading, ready for some quality time with me. I leap and land on Her, all 67 pounds of me. I know she appreciates this gesture of love and admiration. But why are Her eyes bulging out of her head?
9:00pm
They are watching TV. I personally don't get it. What's so interesting about a box that emits funny noises and strange sights? I'm only interested when I see a dog or other animal on screen. That's when I sit up and take notice. I give a little "woof" to let them know I rule THIS house. Yessiree, this place is my domain. What? Oh. She is making me get down off the couch.
11:00pm
Time for bed. I start my sneak attack into the bedroom. I attempt to get on the bed, but She is wise to me. She makes me leave the room and closes the door in my droopy face. Does she not love me anymore? I'll show her. I'll wake her up an extra hour earlier tomorrow.
11:10pm
I circle the couch 5 times before collapsing. What a day. It's hard work supervising them all day. How would they ever live without me? I shudder to think. I close my eyes and dream of big open fields and an endless supply of chewie bones.
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