Just Say No!... (Unless It's Catnip)

Today I'm going to provide a public service announcement.

Now I know we've all heard the radio commercials (some celebrity telling you to Just Say No!), seen all the TV ads (consisting of watching eggs fry, paid for by the partnership for a Drug Free America), and listened to all the rhetoric concerning drug usage in America. "It's bad. It's bad for our kids. It's bad for the very fabric of our society." And I'm here today, to add my testimony. I am here, to be a witness to this evil plague. I'm here to tell you that I'm mad as heck about this problem, and I'm not going to take it anymore! I am referring, of course, to the deadly narcotic known as CATNIP!

At this very moment, I have four cats, lying in coma-like stupors all around the house, completely bombed out of their minds. They see imaginary mice. They are fascinated by shimmers of light on the wall, but they cannot stand up and give chase. They can barely walk, let alone hop onto a bed. If you call them, they look at you with glazed eyes. Even Sage, the menace of the house, has a very goofy look on his face, and when he tries to meow, it comes out sounding like his squeaker is broken. The dog looks on in disdain, as if to say, "Great. Now I live with a bunch of druggies. Hey, maybe I can steal their food, and they'll be too hammered to notice!"

Now I know what you are thinking. "How, pray tell, did these poor animals get ahold of catnip? Who would be so careless as to provide such an obviously dangerous substance to these poor, unsuspecting felines?"

The answer is simple. Big Dave forced me to give it to them. I tried to be the voice of reason, but noooo. He thought if we drugged them with the 'nip, we'd get some peace and quiet. Or maybe it was my idea all along. Maybe I talked Big Dave into it. Yep, that could be it.

Anyways, we bought a fresh supply from Petsmart (those enablers!), and became what's known in this day and age as "bad people". I know I should feel guilty, that I should know better than to turn to "drugs" as the answer to a problem. When did I become "the supplier"??

But ever since they got their fix, they have been quiet and calm. No begging for food. No climbing all over us while we're trying to watch our movies. No fighting with each other. They haven't even paid attention to the rabbit (the first time in a month!).

So, as I sit here and type these words, I offer the following advice: Just Say No. Unless, of course, you have cats, and need peace and quiet for the evening. Then I say Catnip them! 'Nip 'em like there's no tomorrow! 'Nip 'em into a wild feline frenzy, then sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. You can also enjoy watching their hangovers in the morning. No, wait. That would be mean... And wrong... but fun!

Useless Bits of Knowledge and Information

Yesterday, the theme song to Gilligan's Island was stuck in my head. I don't know why, I don't know how, because I have not seen the show for YEARS! But as hard as I tried, I couldn't stop it. So I started to think about all those other little treasures that are lock up in my brain, and I came up with the following list of useless bits of knowledge and information that are forever imbeded in my grey matter:

The mathematical constance of pi -- to the 18th number. I was either extremely bored one day, or it might have been an extra credit thing for Algebra class.

The soliliquoy from MacBeth (act 5, scene 5) of Tomorrow, Tomorrow and Tomorrow. Darn those English teachers for forcing me to memorize it. Darn them to heck!

The New Colossus, the sonnet found on the Statue of Liberty. Darn those social studies teachers for forcing me to memorize it. Darn them to heck!

Theme songs to the following shows: The Jeffersons, Different Strokes, Gilmore Girls, The Beverly Hillbillys, Scrubs, and countless other shows from the '80s and '90s. Maybe that explains why I didn't get better grades in school.

The atomic weight of cobalt is 58.933. (Thanks, Ghostbusters!)

Moss generally only grows on the north side of trees. So if I'm ever lost in the woods, and need to know which way is north, I look for moss. Then I can travel north and get lost even further.

Consequently, spider webs generally appear on the south side of trees. So if I run into a moldy, spider infested tree while lost in the woods, I can take my pick of whether to walk north and get eaten by a bear, or walk south and be gored by a wild pig. Ah, the great outdoors!

I have memorized almost the entire dialogue of the following films: Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Clue, Finding Nemo (thanks to niece and nephew!), Ghostbusters, and Return to Me and My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Guess I need to find some new hobbies, huh?

If you want to know how they made soap in early Brittish colonies on Barbados and the Caribbean, I'm your gal! (And no, you don't wanna know...)

There's lots of other fun facts and data I could share, but this should give you a pretty good idea of what's taking up space in my very limited brain cavity. It also explains why I often forget the reason I walk into a room, where I put my car keys, why I misplace letters/documents, etc.

Let's face it, when you can sing the entire Gilligan's Island song, everything else seems to pale by comparion, doesn't it?

Things I Don't Understand

Simple math: There are four bowls. Each bowls contains an equal amount of food. So why do four cats fight over three bowls, and leave one bowl untouched until the other three bowls are empty? Now, picture four cats eyeing one bowl of cat food. How much food will each cat get? Answer: None. They will spend so much time arguing with each other that the dog sneaks in and finishes off the remainder of the food before they realize what's happening.

Scientific observation: How can two people live together and share a house, but only one of them notice when the toilet tissue roll is empty, and take steps to remedy the situation? Same question for empty milk cartons, empty shampoo bottles, and empty paper towel rolls.

Simple logic: There are no clean towels. Your spouse has told you the towels must be washed. Do you (A) ignore the fact that there are no clean towels, take a shower, then drip dry, (B) gather up the dirty towels, wash them, THEN take your shower, (C) ignore the non-clean towel situation, take a shower, then yell for your spouse to find an elusive clean towel, or (D) take a shower first, discover the towel situation after the fact, then proceed to get dressed while still wet. If you answered (B), then you are too logical, and should not be married.

Slippery slope: You have told the dog to stay out of the kitchen. He has heard this command a thousand times. Every time you turn around, he is underfoot in the kitchen. One day, you have a small/medium food spill. You debate whether to call the dog to help clean up, or just grab a mop. You decide to let the dog help, so you call him. He refuses to come near the kitchen. What do you do? Do you confuse him and order him into kitchen (which goes against MONTHS of training), or do you praise him for finally getting it right (at tremendous inconvenience to you)? Maybe the dog just got suspicious because it was the one day he was being told to enter the kitchen, and sensed some kind of entrapment.

Intro to Quantum Physics: You are traveling down a country road. It's not a heavily used road -- mostly just local traffic. You are the only car on the road. Why, then, do rabbits, birds, and squirrels place themselves directly in front of your car, with little to no warning, and expect you to get out of their way? If they waited 5 seconds later, they could cross unscathed. If they had crossed five seconds earlier, they would be watching you continue on your merry way. How do they decide the exact time to cross that will ensure bodily injury to themselves, a heart attack and a guilt trip for you, and a necessary wash for the car?

And finally:
Catch-22: A company has announced a new program to help save me money, because the company truly cares about it's customers. Sounds great, right? So why, when I look at the fine print, does it turn out that I get less service for the same amount of money I'm spending now. Also, the company will now add a separate fee to compensate them for starting the program to begin with, so now my bill is higher than ever before. When I say I don't want the new service, the company says, "Sorry, but we are not offering your old service anymore. You either go with our new service, or you find another company." Funny thing is, they are the only service provider for the area. What to do?

Things That Make Me Laugh

There are a lot of signs, stickers, and ribbons out there promoting breast cancer awareness. But the best one I've seen to date is a pink bumper sticker which showed two pasties and below the pasties were the words, "Save the Ta-Tas". Somehow, every time I think about that sign, I laugh. So now when I go in for my yearly phyiscal, instead of a breast exam, I'm going to ask for a ta-ta exam. : ) If I'm paying for it, I'll call it whatever I like.

The other day my husband and I were discussing some of the South American countries like Brazil and Columbia. I'm not sure how we got onto this subject. But during our conversation, my husband mentioned something about the "city" of Peru. When I pointed out that Peru is a country, my husband said, "Whatever. It's all one big Spanish continent to me." I laughed because I think that's how many Americans would respond. We're not exactly known for our geographical education. But somehow I think American's would be highly offended if someone mistakenly pointed at the US on a map and called it Canada. Sad but true.

Grafitti, as seen on an overpass near Gainesville, "Dan is a farking, laying, whoor basterd." Now I know our school system is not the greatest, but when kids are misspelling swear words, you know the education system is REALLY in trouble. I'm guessing someone had to repeat a grade. Or two. Maybe not.

Two jokes I saw in a local coffee-news paper:
1. An artic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, "It's a miracle!" The polar bear opened one eye and said, "Don't talk while I'm saying grace."

2. Two idiots were hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Stanley had read that when lost, you fire three times in the air and help will come. So he did. Nothing happened. An hour later, he fired three more times. After another hour his friend told him to try a third time. "Okay," said Stanley, "but we're almost out of arrows."

Finally, when I was at the grocery store, I overhead this conversation between father and daughter:

Dad: "Ok honey, which cereal did you want?"
Daughter: "The good kind."
Dad: "Which kind is that?"
Daughter: "The kind that mommy says is good."
Dad: "Ok. Do you know which one Mommy says is good?"
Daughter: "The one that I don't like."
Next I heard the sound of a cell phone being dialed, and the Dad saying, "Please let mommy pick up. Please let mommy be home."

Since these little things brightened up my week, I thought I would share them with you.

Have a great weekend!

Rabbits, Squirrels and In-Laws

We had a busy week again. Big Dave's folks were visiting for a few days and met Gizmo. My father-in-law was very much amused by her antics, and by the cats' reaction to her. All four cats would like up in a row by the sliding glass door, just watching her, waiting for their chance to attack. They would then fight with each other to gain access to the best vantage points, and in the morning, my FIL would just sit on the couch, drinking his coffee, watching the action. Gizmo has figured out that she is safe from the cats, and will torment them to no end. She runs right at the door, leaps into the air, then does an about-face in the air, lands, then runs like a maniac around the room. This drives the cats CRAZY! She presses her face to the door, daring the cats to take a swipe, then runs back and forth in front of the door from end to end, knowing the cats can't do a thing about it. I swear there are times when I can see her evil smile.
We took the in-laws to a number of yard sales (an activity they really enjoy), and we did find some nice things for very cheap prices. But it was just nice to have them here. We don't get a chance to see them very often, even though we only live 2 1/2 hours away. Every time we make plans to go see them, life has a way of throwing things our way that prevent us from following through. Sad, I know, but true.
In the process of driving around looking for yard sales, we also discovered that my FIL has become a not-so-safe driver. He generally ignores stop signs, tailgates, and gets very impatient when someone is trying turn and there is no turn lane. As he likes to say, "I've been driving for longer than you've been alive. I know what I'm doing. Besides, if I get in a wreck, I'm in a minivan. I'll be fine." I know.. I know.. but that's his logic. In the process of giving us this speech, he ran over a squirrel standing in the middle of the road. A squirrel Big Dave and I saw a half a mile away. If we had been driving, we would have slowed down as we approached, and given the little guy time to get away. My FIL, however, went full speed ahead. And when we mentioned that he could have avoided the squirrel, his response was, "there's plenty more where that came from." Needless to say, we decided that the next time they visit, we'll be sure to cover all the necessary driving. Let the squirrels rejoice!

There are better days ahead... right?

Ordinarily, I try to stay positive on this blog. I try to keep it light and funny, even quirky. But this morning I read an article on the St. Pete Times website about a woman who just found out her fiance was killed in Baghdad, and it crushed me.

He was due to come home this Friday on leave. He was going to be surprising her with a Bahama cruise, on which they would be getting married.

Here's a link to the article:
http://www.tampabay.com/news/military/article441186.ece

To say she is devestated would be an understatement. Her life will never be the same. For the next few days, weeks, months, even years, she will be haunted by the possibilities of what might have been, what should have been, and what will never be. I ask myself, how will she bounce back from this? How will/can she move on with her life? If I were in her shoes, what would I do? What could I do?

If I thought for one minute that his death had some purpose, then I suppose I could make sense out of such a tragedy. If I believed that all the work being done in Iraq would eventually be proven worthwhile, and that the US really did have a master plan that would benefit the Iraqi people, then this story wouldn't have hit me so hard. If I could just believe, even for one minute, that the military really did have control over the situation, that their goals, any goals, have been met, I might feel better.

But the truth is, I don't believe anything good is going to come out of Iraq. I don't believe there's anything positive about our invasion of that country. And it makes me sick to my stomach to think that the 4,000+ American deaths and tens of thousands Iraqi deaths were all for nothing.

Iraq is turning out to be our generation's Vietnam, and I see no end in sight. And I don't know whether I feel angry or depressed. Maybe I just feel numb.

Please tell me there are better days ahead.