Just Say No!... (Unless It's Catnip)

Today I'm going to provide a public service announcement.

Now I know we've all heard the radio commercials (some celebrity telling you to Just Say No!), seen all the TV ads (consisting of watching eggs fry, paid for by the partnership for a Drug Free America), and listened to all the rhetoric concerning drug usage in America. "It's bad. It's bad for our kids. It's bad for the very fabric of our society." And I'm here today, to add my testimony. I am here, to be a witness to this evil plague. I'm here to tell you that I'm mad as heck about this problem, and I'm not going to take it anymore! I am referring, of course, to the deadly narcotic known as CATNIP!

At this very moment, I have four cats, lying in coma-like stupors all around the house, completely bombed out of their minds. They see imaginary mice. They are fascinated by shimmers of light on the wall, but they cannot stand up and give chase. They can barely walk, let alone hop onto a bed. If you call them, they look at you with glazed eyes. Even Sage, the menace of the house, has a very goofy look on his face, and when he tries to meow, it comes out sounding like his squeaker is broken. The dog looks on in disdain, as if to say, "Great. Now I live with a bunch of druggies. Hey, maybe I can steal their food, and they'll be too hammered to notice!"

Now I know what you are thinking. "How, pray tell, did these poor animals get ahold of catnip? Who would be so careless as to provide such an obviously dangerous substance to these poor, unsuspecting felines?"

The answer is simple. Big Dave forced me to give it to them. I tried to be the voice of reason, but noooo. He thought if we drugged them with the 'nip, we'd get some peace and quiet. Or maybe it was my idea all along. Maybe I talked Big Dave into it. Yep, that could be it.

Anyways, we bought a fresh supply from Petsmart (those enablers!), and became what's known in this day and age as "bad people". I know I should feel guilty, that I should know better than to turn to "drugs" as the answer to a problem. When did I become "the supplier"??

But ever since they got their fix, they have been quiet and calm. No begging for food. No climbing all over us while we're trying to watch our movies. No fighting with each other. They haven't even paid attention to the rabbit (the first time in a month!).

So, as I sit here and type these words, I offer the following advice: Just Say No. Unless, of course, you have cats, and need peace and quiet for the evening. Then I say Catnip them! 'Nip 'em like there's no tomorrow! 'Nip 'em into a wild feline frenzy, then sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. You can also enjoy watching their hangovers in the morning. No, wait. That would be mean... And wrong... but fun!