Demanding Felines

This morning my mother pulled up her email and found this message waiting for her:

To Whom It May Concern (aka Nana):

We, the felines, being of unstable minds and fat bodies, are holding the humans (aka Mom and Dad) hostage. We will release them unharmed, but most likely covered in fur, if the following demands are met:

The canine spy (code name: Koda) must go. We have been tormented by this traitor for far too long. He eats our food, he tramples us when he gets excited, and he gets too much attention from the humans. He barks at invisible things. He is afraid of thunder. He is a coward, and we refuse to be under his oversized paw any longer. Down with the dog!

We must have ample quantities of gourmet canned cat food. No longer will we be forced to endure the healthy Science Diet dry food. The humans insist it’s for our own good, but we don’t believe it. It’s a household conspiracy that must end. Let us eat Salmon Supreme!

Catnip is a right, not a treat. Let’s not be so stingy with the ‘nip.

We shall have the right to claim all beds as our own. No more sharing with the humans. All soft blankets, pillows and other comfortable items shall be our private property, and cannot be used by the humans or the canine without our express permission. Which we will never give.

Warm laps must be provided to us at all times. The bigger the lap, the better.

We shall never be discouraged from exploring snug spaces or dark corners. This includes closets, under beds, and all rooms previously off limits.

When we see a spider, scorpion or other dangerous insect, we shall have the right to give chase, capture and torment the invader. Taking it away before we are finished is very un-sportsmanlike and will no longer be tolerated.

We reserve the right to curl up on laptops and other sensitive computer equipment, even if the humans are still working with them. Especially if the humans are still working with them.

Affection shall quickly forthcoming in ample quantities. Just because the humans feel they have petted enough doesn’t mean WE feel loved enough.

And lastly,
It’ll never enough. We’ll never be fed enough, loved enough, warm enough, rested enough, admired enough, or worshipped enough. There is no such thing as “too much.” Just keep giving 110%, and we’ll let you know when you need to give more.

These are our demands. If you wish to see the humans again, you will abide by these rules from here on in. If you choose to disregard these items, we will be forced to hock a furball into your favorite shoes. Or eat your favorite plant. Or claw up your curtains. The choice is yours.

Cordially yours,

The Grandcats